Counting on God
I finally did it. I verbally, audibly, intentionally and whole heartedly gave it away. I think it might have been the hardest thing I have ever done. I know I had to do it. I also know that it was about time, time to pry my hands and heart off the control I held as spiritual leader in my house. I'm not sure how this is going to work out but it is no longer my job to worry about. (I was told once that it never was was my duty-though I did it anyway). I guess I couldn't trust it to anyone else. Last night though, I realized that even though I didn't think I could trust my husband to make the "right" choices in this arena, I know that God will and I know that the same Holy Spirit that lives in me lives in my husband as weel and that while I will have to live with decisions that I don't agree with I will have to trust that it is all under control. Oh, brother. I'm not so good at the trust thing.
I will say that this seemingly sudden decision to transfer control has been in the works for a while. I was not anxious to change anything that seemed to be working and I was clinging to this role as though my life depended on it. I guess partially because it was. The life that I had become accustomed to would likely change and that was not something that I was not comfortable with. I guess God had different plans though. I'm sure they are better than the one's I imagined for my self, which is why He led me to let go.
This transfer of responsibilty was met with tremendous dissention and a nasty barrage of words ensued. I think my calmness made him mad.
Let me set this scene.
Our children were invited on an overnight adventure - Phillies game in the afternoon, overnight in Philly and day at the beach the following day. This would occur during the week of VBS. The children - one of which was already losing interest in God/Jesus - would miss not only one but now two nights of VBS. This made me upset. I was quickly told that the person who invited them would have been "hurt" if we had not allowed our children to go along and miss the two nights. My response was that I thought we were sending the wrong message to our children allowing them to miss. and that what we were saying to them was that this other person was more important than Jesus. Dangerous ground. The decision had already been made and I had not been involved. My anger though justified and righteous was futile. That's when I realised that I was trying to control something that wasn't mine to control. At that point (crisis of faith) I calmly and clearly stated that I would no longer be the one to make decsions about where and when we would attending church or what church activites we would participate in as a family or even as individuals. This statement of faith was tremendously freeing and particularly frightening at the same time. I knew at that moment that things needed to change and that I was to step back and let God work. I would be joining Him where He is working as I stepped back, gave the reigns to my husband and allowed my self to rest in His Sovereignty. I knew that this would require faith . Immeasurable faith that would only be supplied by the One who is Faithful.
The subsequent fight and nasty words that followed reflected a misunderstanding that will be cleared only by God Himself. I am not sure why this was seen as an attack but it was met with blades pulled and teeth bared. The funny thing is that God will work with that too. If He can soften the heart of Paul, He can soften the heart of Bill. It will be in His timing of course which has the likelihood of testing my faith even more.
I will continue to pray; for faith, for wisdom and for peace in this situation. I must look at this not as giving the responsibilty to Bill but as giving it to God. I think He can handle it. I am expecting Him to do an even better job actually. Counting on it. And Counting on God... (click to listen.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0RTR5EYnit4&feature=related
Lord,
I count on You to lead Bill in Your righteous ways. I pray that You will direct his paths as he now will be the one to decide what priority you will take in his life and that of our children. Please allow Your light in me to illuminate the dark that I might be a lamp to him and light the way to You. Give him the wisdom to lead us in ways that are pleasing to You. I pray for my children Lord, I know that in making a covenant with you I have also involved them and I remind You of that now Lord. Please draw them to Yourself and keep the enemy away from them. I ask that you give me faith to endure the test You have set before me. I am encouraged that Your name is "Faithful". I know I can count on You. I'm ready to see You work. Thank you for that promise. ~ Amen
I will say that this seemingly sudden decision to transfer control has been in the works for a while. I was not anxious to change anything that seemed to be working and I was clinging to this role as though my life depended on it. I guess partially because it was. The life that I had become accustomed to would likely change and that was not something that I was not comfortable with. I guess God had different plans though. I'm sure they are better than the one's I imagined for my self, which is why He led me to let go.
This transfer of responsibilty was met with tremendous dissention and a nasty barrage of words ensued. I think my calmness made him mad.
Let me set this scene.
Our children were invited on an overnight adventure - Phillies game in the afternoon, overnight in Philly and day at the beach the following day. This would occur during the week of VBS. The children - one of which was already losing interest in God/Jesus - would miss not only one but now two nights of VBS. This made me upset. I was quickly told that the person who invited them would have been "hurt" if we had not allowed our children to go along and miss the two nights. My response was that I thought we were sending the wrong message to our children allowing them to miss. and that what we were saying to them was that this other person was more important than Jesus. Dangerous ground. The decision had already been made and I had not been involved. My anger though justified and righteous was futile. That's when I realised that I was trying to control something that wasn't mine to control. At that point (crisis of faith) I calmly and clearly stated that I would no longer be the one to make decsions about where and when we would attending church or what church activites we would participate in as a family or even as individuals. This statement of faith was tremendously freeing and particularly frightening at the same time. I knew at that moment that things needed to change and that I was to step back and let God work. I would be joining Him where He is working as I stepped back, gave the reigns to my husband and allowed my self to rest in His Sovereignty. I knew that this would require faith . Immeasurable faith that would only be supplied by the One who is Faithful.
The subsequent fight and nasty words that followed reflected a misunderstanding that will be cleared only by God Himself. I am not sure why this was seen as an attack but it was met with blades pulled and teeth bared. The funny thing is that God will work with that too. If He can soften the heart of Paul, He can soften the heart of Bill. It will be in His timing of course which has the likelihood of testing my faith even more.
I will continue to pray; for faith, for wisdom and for peace in this situation. I must look at this not as giving the responsibilty to Bill but as giving it to God. I think He can handle it. I am expecting Him to do an even better job actually. Counting on it. And Counting on God... (click to listen.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0RTR5EYnit4&feature=related
Lord,
I count on You to lead Bill in Your righteous ways. I pray that You will direct his paths as he now will be the one to decide what priority you will take in his life and that of our children. Please allow Your light in me to illuminate the dark that I might be a lamp to him and light the way to You. Give him the wisdom to lead us in ways that are pleasing to You. I pray for my children Lord, I know that in making a covenant with you I have also involved them and I remind You of that now Lord. Please draw them to Yourself and keep the enemy away from them. I ask that you give me faith to endure the test You have set before me. I am encouraged that Your name is "Faithful". I know I can count on You. I'm ready to see You work. Thank you for that promise. ~ Amen
Comments
Sit quietly and listen to the soft whispers of the Holy Spirit. He calms and brings our anxiousness to calm tranquility. Praise Him like you've never praised Him before. He blesses those who are thankful despite what we may view as a trial, but He views as growth.
I love you fellow sister in the Lord!